To Be Or Not To Be...Friends.

That is the question. People are in and out of my life a lot lately. I find that I am continually asking myself, if this person or that person is the type of person that I need as a friend right now? Its hard enough trying to decide what to wear to work everyday. Why does choosing friends have to be difficult too? 

I am a gullible and trusting person. I tend to believe most everything that the people in my life tell me. I guess I just want to believe that people won't lie to me. That people have my best interests in mind, when they say they are my friend. At my age, I should really know better. I've had a very hard life. Most people don't even know half of the abuse that I've gone through. I should know by now, to trust only myself.

Why is it so hard to find friends who accept you for who you are? Faults and all. Why do my so called friends feel that they know what's best for me, what will make me happy? Someone who can't even make time to be my friend, certainly wouldn't know what I need in my life. 

"I just want you to be happy". Such a bullshit line. If you want me to be happy, find out what it is that will make me happy, don't just assume that you know. Don't play head games with me. Don't think the worst of me all the time. Don't think that I'm too stupid to know what I want because of my past. 

Its too much to hope that a friend will be supportive of me in all things. Its too much to hope that a friend will listen when I need to talk. Its too much to hope that a friend will not judge me. Its too much to hope that a friend will...(sigh) 

A hard life as my past. A hard life as my future. And this girl now realizes that there is no friend out there who will be there for me. Its the way of my life. So to pose the question, "to be or not to be...friends?" There is no answer needed because there is no one out there who is willing to tackle the job. 

Ambassadors...

Last week I took a big step and went to church. I have been trying to make that change in my life for so long. But its not easy. I envy the people who make that commitment so easily, without even thinking twice about it. I've struggled with being active my whole life. Its time now to do something for myself. And this is what its going to be. I'm going to go to church...for myself.

My emotions were a mess and my nerves were at their breaking point last week. As I sat through all three of the meetings, I felt that every word said and every person there that day, were placed there just for me. Relief Society was the hardest part for me. I was nervous to stand and introduce myself. Who wouldn't be, if they had to say, "Hi, I'm kind of in this ward. I'm homeless, living in a trailer, just getting divorced from my third marriage...but don't mind me, I'm just here to learn". I was so grateful to a few women who remembered me from previous visits. They calmed my rattled nerves, by welcoming me with open hearts. 

It was a good experience. I kept my emotions in check and didn't cry. Until, a kindhearted woman named Midge came up to me after the final prayer. She was visiting the ward from Canada. She had no clue who I was, but the words she spoke to me will forever stay in my heart and my mind. "I don't know exactly what your going through right now, but I do know that you're supposed to be here. Remember that God loves you. He understands. You probably feel like you've lost a sense of who you are. But don't worry, things will be get better. Come back next week, this is where you need to be". She cried. I cried. I couldn't even respond to her. I finally understood that Heavenly Father really is aware of me. And that I'm not alone. 30 seconds of kind words spoken to me by a stranger, changed my life. How utterly fitting that our lesson that day was about Ambassadors of God. 

Fires and Flames...

This blog has sat empty and unused for three years. I created it with the intent to use it as a journal of sorts. A way to empty my mind of the things that stay swimming in my head. Maybe if I can put my thoughts into words, they can help me understand or give me insight into my past. Which may hopefully, help  me to create a better future.

I will most definitely jump around and write about my life out of order. I don't have the desire to relive so much of the bad and the pain right now. I will eventually, just not now. 

Its been almost three months since I left Shawn. My memories, my regrets and the pain are still as fresh to me as if I'm still living that life. No one can possibly know what its like to be inside the mind of an abused person, unless they, themselves have suffered abuse. I work each day to put the past behind me but, all it takes is a word, a sound, a smell or a thought, to bring the past roaring back to life. Two years of my life were spent fighting an uncontrollable fire, which was my marriage. I tried. I battled. I won. Yet I lost. 

I lost my marriage. I lost my husband. I lost my little sons. And I lost myself. So much damage. So many casualties. 

I'm here though. I might feel alone but I know I'm surrounded by people who love me. My kids keep me focused on making a better life for myself. My friends put the laughter back into my days. And "The One" has filled my soul with an unconditional love that I didn't know existed. 

How do you live your life lacking that connection that you find only once? Its like the saying, "You don't know what you have until its gone". Life can be so cruel sometimes. Because now, I know. I've experienced that ever elusive connection. And its gone. It isn't gone like a flame that's been extinguished... it was just never mine to possess. This flame will burn on for a lifetime. At least it will for me. 

I need to remember though...fires and flames...burn.