Fires and Flames...

This blog has sat empty and unused for three years. I created it with the intent to use it as a journal of sorts. A way to empty my mind of the things that stay swimming in my head. Maybe if I can put my thoughts into words, they can help me understand or give me insight into my past. Which may hopefully, help  me to create a better future.

I will most definitely jump around and write about my life out of order. I don't have the desire to relive so much of the bad and the pain right now. I will eventually, just not now. 

Its been almost three months since I left Shawn. My memories, my regrets and the pain are still as fresh to me as if I'm still living that life. No one can possibly know what its like to be inside the mind of an abused person, unless they, themselves have suffered abuse. I work each day to put the past behind me but, all it takes is a word, a sound, a smell or a thought, to bring the past roaring back to life. Two years of my life were spent fighting an uncontrollable fire, which was my marriage. I tried. I battled. I won. Yet I lost. 

I lost my marriage. I lost my husband. I lost my little sons. And I lost myself. So much damage. So many casualties. 

I'm here though. I might feel alone but I know I'm surrounded by people who love me. My kids keep me focused on making a better life for myself. My friends put the laughter back into my days. And "The One" has filled my soul with an unconditional love that I didn't know existed. 

How do you live your life lacking that connection that you find only once? Its like the saying, "You don't know what you have until its gone". Life can be so cruel sometimes. Because now, I know. I've experienced that ever elusive connection. And its gone. It isn't gone like a flame that's been extinguished... it was just never mine to possess. This flame will burn on for a lifetime. At least it will for me. 

I need to remember though...fires and flames...burn.